New York was embroiled in a snowstorm on Wednesday, but late-night comedians had a different tempest on the top of their minds: Stormy Daniels, the porn star who is now suing Donald Trump, saying their “hush agreement” covering up the details of an alleged affair is invalid because the then-presidential candidate never signed it. “I know we’re getting numb to the Trump presidency,” said Stephen Colbert on Wednesday night. “It’s a natural defense mechanism. But let those words sink in for a second. A porn star. Is suing the president.”
“We have not seen anything like this since the famous headline ‘Dewey Boinks Truman,’” Colbert continued, adding, “Miss Daniels received $130,000 right before the election to keep their affair a secret. I don’t know why. If I were her, I’d keep that secret for free.”
Mostly, Colbert marveled at the fact that Trump, who loves to slap his name on just about anything, decided that this was the thing he considered “too sketchy to put his name on. What about Trump University?” he wondered. “Or Don Jr.?”
In the “hush agreement,” as detailed in the lawsuit, Daniels is said to have “confidential information” about Trump, including “information, certain still images and/or text messages.” Translation?
“I think we can all guess what these still images are,” Colbert said with a grin. “CBS will not permit me to say the colloquial term, so let’s just call them ‘penis portraits.’”
Among the odder revelations from the lawsuit are the pseudonyms used in the original hush agreement. Trump was called “David Dennison,” while Daniels got the fake name “Peggy Peterson.” As Colbert notes, “Those names are actually abbreviated in the suit as two of Trump’s favorite things: double D’s and pee-pee. . . Allegedly.”
The Wall Street Journal first broke the Stormy Daniels story, including the revelation that Trump’s attorney Michael Cohen paid Daniels $130,000 to keep quiet—a payment for which he was apparently never reimbursed. The Journal reported that Cohen complained to his friends that Trump hadn’t paid him back. On top of that, Cohen’s bank flagged the transaction as suspicious. On Late Night,Seth Meyers summed the whole thing up succinctly: “These guys are so dumb.”
“Of course it got flagged as suspicious,” Meyers continued. “The personal lawyer to a presidential candidate secretly wired $130,000 to someone named Stormy Daniels a month before the election. That’s the equivalent of having a folder on your desktop labeled ‘Just Tax Stuff, No Porn.’”
As for the president’s chosen pseudonym, Meyers has to grant him one thing: “David Dennison is actually the best fake name a president has ever had—because it’s the only fake name a president has ever had. No one else has ever needed one. Abraham Lincoln doesn’t also go by Stove Pipe Jones!”
And obviously, like Colbert, Meyers couldn’t help but consider the possibility that we might soon have a presidential dick pic on our hands. “Can you imagine?” he asked his audience. “Oh, you can, and that’s why you’re making those awful noises. . . It would look like a Flamin’ Hot Cheeto sitting on a Brillo Pad. No! I think we should spend more time on this! Can you just imagine him locked in a bathroom backstage before a campaign rally trying to find the right angle with his flip-phone camera?”
Get Vanity Fair’s HWD NewsletterSign up for essential industry and award news from Hollywood.Full ScreenPhotos:Best In Show: Hollywood Stars With Canine CompanionsLaura BradleyLaura Bradley is a Hollywood writer for VanityFair.com. She was formerly an editorial assistant at Slate and lives in Brooklyn.
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