Trevor Noah Is Pretty Sure He Knows Who Trumps Secret Love Child Is

Celebrities

Is there any greater gift for a late-night comedian than a president with a possible secret love child? There probably is—and given the way the news cycle works these days, theres a good chance whatever it is will surface next week. For now, however, late-night hosts were more than happy to make hay of the probably false but still entertaining, unverified claim that Donald Trump once had an affair with a housekeeper that resulted in a child. Trevor Noahs take? “I bet everyone who doesnt know their father right now is panicking.

“Every week we seem to find out that someone else got money to keep quiet about one of Donald Trumps affairs,” the Daily Show host continued. “At this point its almost like his dong has its own economy. You know? Like a G.D.P., a gross domestic penis.”

The claim came from Trumps former doorman Dino Sajudin, who confirmed to CNN on Thursday that he had made an agreement with The National Enquirer—which was reported to have bought and buried the story—and that while working at Trump World Tower, he was “instructed not to criticize President Trumps former housekeeper due to a prior relationship she had with President Trump which produced a child.”

“Everyones getting paid,” Noah marveled Thursday night. “Doormen, porn stars, lawyers—at this point, Im worried that if Trump stops cheating on Melania, the stock market will crash.”

In the end, Noah came to a revelation: the child was supposedly born in the 1980s—and so was he. And, Noah said, hes always felt a strong connection to the commander in chief. (His Trump impression is one of late nights closest.) The love child, Noah concluded, “is me!”

One problem with that claim? Trump allegedly fathered a daughter—not a son.

On The Late Show,Stephen Colbert was too perplexed by the fact that the president would hide a child at all to theorize about who that child might be. “The president must be really ashamed of this scandal,” the comedian reasoned, “considering the children he is willing to claim.” The other takeaway? “There is now a housekeeper I feel worse for than the one at that Russian hotel.”

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Laura BradleyLaura Bradley is a Hollywood writer for VanityFair.com.

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